You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
she woke up with a sticky ear
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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