Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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