Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
