I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
