I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
