I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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