He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
When are your genitals available?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
