I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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