So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
