just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
