she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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