I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
you are never too drunk for berry picking
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize