Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
