Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize
