Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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