if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
