Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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