she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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