she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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