I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Boobs speak an international language.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
