3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
