Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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