I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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