I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
