I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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