I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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