I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
