just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
