Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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