Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
