im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
