Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
