If i could tip my vagina, i would.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
