I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
They took my balls.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
A+ Viking dick
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
