Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
