Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
