I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
