awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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