Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
