I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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