Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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