Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
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