I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
