so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
