I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
