i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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