nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
