john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
