Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
it's great music for shaving your balls
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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