Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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