Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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