he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
