Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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