Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
