He had one of those small greek statue penises
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
