apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm bleeding and have questions
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize